Why Is Kissing Such A Big Deal?

I have never kissed a boy.

And NO! That doesn't make me "innocent" or "pure".
I absolutely HATE when people automatically stereotype me into this imaginary category that I shouldn't be touched. It's like they think I've decided to become a nun.

It simply means that I haven't had the opportunity to kiss a boy.
It's not because I was a courageous young woman who staved off boys with my virtue and integrity.
It's because no boy has tried to kiss me.


I don't need to be kissed to feel like I have worth.

But my question is...why is kissing such a big deal?
Why is the question 'how many boys have you kissed?', always asked at girls nights?
And why do I feel my stomach begin to tighten when I say I've never kissed anybody? When really, I should probably feel way good about myself. 
Saying I've never kissed anybody makes me feel dumb, inexperienced, and insecure because then all these girls proceed to say..."Oh, I've kissed 10" or "I've kissed 7".

or the worst one..."I actually don't know how many boys I've kissed."

And if I'm being completely honest, if you have kissed a lot of people that doesn't make you cool.

One of my favorite quotes is from Spencer W. Kimball (Jan 1959) "A kiss is an evidence of affection. A kiss is an evidence of love, not an evidence of lust---but it can be."

I don't care if he said it in 1959. It still rings true! Kissing shouldn't be a big deal. It's a sign of love and affection. And to be frank, a lot of my peers don't treat it that way. 

Kissing is lovely and wonderful. It's supposed to be, but we've got to treat it that way. Way too many college students treat it as a badge of honor and I personally don't like that stance.

I know not everybody shares this view, but think about it this way: When you get married, you will only kiss one boy for forever and then every single other boy you have ever kissed will become meaningless.

I guess my plea to you would be...think a little before you kiss someone. I guess I'm just old-fashioned but I'm thinking that my first kiss will be with the boy I marry. And I'm perfectly okay with that. 


  1. I used to think that I would never get kissed, but when we were juniors in high school, I had my first. I've only ever kissed 3 guys. I was trying to save that special thing for a special someone, but my current guy is grateful I had the chance to gain experience. I do wish I had saved that small part of me for him though. Oh well, right? A kiss is a kiss and a lot of people treat it as a way to get rid of sexual tension as well. I absolutely hate that idea because it is the other way around... some people.

  2. Elisabeth, I'm honestly in awe with this honest post. You wrote it perfectly. And to be honest, I never thought I was cool for this, but when my missionary and I ended things, I went on a kissing spree. Because I was sad. And I needed someone to fill that spot. Was that the right way to do things? Absolutely not. And to this day, I regret it. I wish I would have made my kisses actually mean something. They do now, of course. And they did when I met my husband. But for all those guys I didn't even have feelings for, I was just physically attracted to them? Yes. I regret it every day.

    So thank you. I look up to you, your courage, your honesty, and especially your perspective. I'm not sure why kissing is such a big deal. I kind of don't think it is at all. I had a friend who married her first kiss. And it makes it that much more special.

    I apologize for the novel. I love you. And thank you for this post!

  3. Elisabeth, i know i was in your shoes for a very long time and sometimes it is VERY embarrassing, and you feel frustrated, confused, and it's easy to feel sorry for yourself, or to not be happy for your friends when things are happening for them and not for you. but Honey, let me tell you, i have also been on the other side of that. kissing people just to kiss them isn't good either, and i'm glad you see that. there is something so personal about things like that, and when you don't have an emotional connection to someone all of that stuff just, to be honest, isn't great. not in comparison with how things are when you do have that emotional connection. my cousin and her husband are a couple that came to mind while i was reading your post. she was 27 when they started dating and he was 30, and she had never been kissed.. until him. and they are honestly one of those fairytale couple love stories that give you hope. waiting for her was not a choice. she hadn't turned people down before, there had just never been an opportunity. but now i see them with their 2 1/2 adorable babies and i know that for them, that was the perfect way for things to happen. i love your perspective, and i think you are adorable! things will happen, and i'm glad you are enjoying the journey!

  4. Hey, I was 24 before I got my first kiss. It was the same as you described, I just never got to do it until I did. And Lordy, my first kiss--was awful, so I'm glad I didn't marry him. :-) I have kissed a few more boys since then, mostly to catch up for lost time (because it's fun), but I still think nothing is more special than someone you care about holding your hand. And you know what, whatever you decide is important to YOU is the only thing you should care about. Everyone's experience is different and shouldn't be held up as a standard to anyone else. :-)

  5. That is super impressive. Be proud, girl! An old stake president of mine said that we should treat every kiss as if we are giving away a piece of our gold. Save that first kiss (and all of your gold) for whoever you think is worthy of it. I can't imagine how much better my first kid with my husband would have been if it was my first kiss ever.


  6. I think kissing is a big deal because it IS fun! But I'll tell you from experience, kissing just to kiss might be fun in the moment, but after, it makes you feel gross...
    I'm grateful I went a year without kissing someone. I kissed more boys than Mr. Jolley has kissed girls and I'm still a little embarrassed by that! My number isn't ridiculously high, but I'm grateful that he wasn't frivolous with his kisses. They meant something to both of us.
    And if you ask him, after our first date, even though we both wanted to kiss so badly, we waited two more dates so it didn't cloud our judgement at all. Kissing clouds judgement.
    Love you girl! <3

  7. Here's a big thumbs up from your (old) aunt (at least that's what my kids say I am). I made a choice as a teen that I would only kiss the person I was going to marry. Did some people think it was silly, yes, but I knew that to the right person, it would be appreciated. Could I have had the opportunity? Maybe, but because I didn't seek it out, those opportunities didn't really come around until I met your Uncle Eric and we started dating more seriously. My decision didn't put your uncle off or make him think less of me. We just held hands a lot. :) -Aunt Michelle

  8. i love this post! way to be proud of who you are :) i feel like i could go on and on about this subject, but i will spare you hearing the rambling of my brain. all i can say is props to you for never kissing a boy! it really is a big accomplishment in these days when it is so easy to do otherwise. i'm definitely one of those girls who can't remember the number of boys they have kissed (even though i knew it at one time!) and i don't regret it at all. i think it gave me the life experience i needed to make the decision to marry a boy as good as my husband. sometimes there are moments where i definitely wish i had only kissed my husband.. however, now it seems so long ago that i feel like he is the only boy i've ever kissed. anyway, whether you end up only kissing one boy in your life or one thousand, just keep doing you & standing up for you are! i love it. and love you!

  9. I can tell you some good news....eventually, people stop asking how many people you've kissed. I honestly can't remember the last time I've had that conversation with a friend or anyone. I have noticed that people seem to magically chill out about things like that as they get older....and not in a bad way, like kissing or cuddling becomes so commonplace that it no longer has any meaning. But more in, "don't overthink some innocent affection" way. I'm not a believer in going around kissing multiple boys, and I'm pretty careful about other things like cuddling and hand holding too, but it is nice to feel like some of the "hype" about it lessens up a little bit post-college. And, for the record, the number of boys I've kissed isn't high (had my first one in college) and I'm glad I can say I've meant it every time. The number just seems irrelevant at this point. Also, I think you're a Hotty McHotty Pants so what else matters is all I'm saying... :)

  10. Super interesting topic to address, Elisabeth. I will agree with what Ms. Hawkes said above about people magically chilling out. I am only a few years older than you, but once I moved outside of the state those sorts of questions stopped being asked to me. It was refreshing.

    I love a good, bold blog post about kissing. You go Miss Elisabeth.

  11. you go girl! this post is awesome and every lady, young and old, needs to read it.

  12. Elisabeth, you are amazing. I kissed one boy before my husband came into my life, and that was one boy and 30 kisses too many. Kissing is a HUGE deal, once you're married. It's fun, it's exciting, it's romantic, and it's beautiful. But before then, it's pointless and down-right stupid. I did not need kissing experience before I was married. If I hadn't ever kissed another man before Patrick it wouldn't have taken much to learn how to kiss. Patrick's very first kiss was when we knelt across the alter and said "YES!" and believe me, it didn't take him long to learn how to really kiss me. Seriously, just keep doing what you are doing, and you'll find your man and enjoy a life of love and happiness, and lots of special, special kisses. :)

    Love you, girl!

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  14. I'll be honest and blunt: I've kissed a few guys, not a huge number, and frankly I like knowing that when I kiss my future husband I can really do it with confidence and give him something he'll really enjoy because I've learned how to do it. I guess my opinion is that I hope my husband will have had some experience as well (not a whole lot though) so that he'll actually know what he's doing instead of slobbering all over me like some guys have done to me in the past. Let me tell you, not pleasant. As far as the number, it's nobody's business, we don't need to compare that kind of stuff unless someone needs a kick in the pants for handing kisses out like candy.

    Update: And I forgot to mention, of course this doesn't mean you shouldn't wait for a guy you genuinely have strong feelings for!