Nothing has seemed to fit. No words that I could say have seemed adequate enough to describe my struggles, my heartaches, my afflictions, and my worries.
I've learned a lot of hard lessons that have bruised my pride and shattered my ego.
I've gone through a period of time where what I've wanted so desperately has been dangled in my face, barely out of reach. And every time I get close, it slipped from my grasp.
I've felt frustration and anger like you wouldn't believe.
And it's HARD guys! It is so hard that it hurts. And I don't understand.
I wish I had the guts to actually publicize what is going on, but I don't.
My courage has been shot and my dreams have been unwillingly changed.
It's kind of like when you get syrup on your hands after you eat pancakes and it's really sticky.
Except, the soap isn't just waiting there for you to grab it.
You first have to decide you need soap. Then you have to go to the store and buy it. In the meantime, everything just keeps sticking to your hands. All the germs and dust and crap from people and mean words and hurtful actions and self-esteem issues and dating and family trials and money and amazing boys who are so wrong for you and exhaustion and health problems. So when you pull your card out of your wallet to buy the soap and it won't let go of your hand...that's the last straw...and you finally break.
That's how I've felt. Everything keeps sticking to me and I haven't found the soap and water yet. And if you're my neighbor, Rachel, you yell out profanities every once a while because IT'S SO ANNOYING AND OBNOXIOUS to have your hands all sticky when you're trying to be productive.
I guess that's a really bad analogy, but being sticky sucks.
All I know is that I need keep having faith. Faith that one day my soap will come and I will be able to wipe off my hands, see the dark water spill down the drain and look at my hands to see cleanliness and purity.
I've been thinking a lot about a scripture from somewhere that says if you will endure your trials well then God shall exalt thee on high.
I like that...because while my trials are SO HARD, I also know that I am being schooled. IT REALLY REALLY sucks and I haven't quite found the hope, but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely.
And with that, I'm going to bed. Peace out, lovelies.