3/30/2016

When Life Doesn't Work Out As Planned

I've spent too much time on bathroom floors lately. I find a rugged area, pull my knees to my chest, lay my head on my arm, and grit my teeth so I don't cry for the one billionth time.

I find myself going through every precious memory I have...like when I worked at an art museum or when Amy, Courtney, Lacey and I had a giant dance party or when I ran three miles every day for a whole year or when Josh and I hugged by the temple until our fingers were so cold we couldn't move them.

Those memories seem to hold such optimism for my future. Great friends, a good job, a wonderful boy...but of course those things didn't happen. Sometimes I close my eyes right before I go to sleep and I imagine what my life would be like if those things had worked out.

A lot of times I just lay there and pray. Heavenly Father, is it going to get any better?
I plead and beg. I yell and grovel. I cry and sob.
(Photo credit: my girl Kristina McRae! Check out her IG account at @k.m.foto)

I lay there and wait for the thoughts to roll in--that dictating voice inside my head telling me I'm not worth it. I'm not going to be pretty enough or skinny enough or good enough. I'll be one of the statistical millennials who gets a degree and then moves back in with their parents. My heart hurts and I can't even begin to figure out how to stop it.

Miraculously, however, this all begins to fade. It fades when I talk to my dad who hugs me when I'm discouraged and tells me it's all going to be okay. It fades when I get texts from friends letting me know they're thinking about me. And especially when I find a cute shirt at Target.

And then, I find myself thinking my pretty thoughts.

I think about going to lunch with my grandma. I think about my extremely supportive and wonderful parents. I think about my long legs and my ability to pull off glasses without looking nerdy. I think about my sisters and my new blonde hair and what I'm going to wear tomorrow.

I think about how I'm a sensational friend and how people actually read what I have to say. I think about the soft spot in my heart I have for old people. I think about puppies and blue skies and the fresh air of Idaho. I think about how I worked at an art museum and ran three miles every day for a whole year.

And then I wonder that maybe, just maybe...my life may not have worked out just like I planned, but it's going to work out perfectly for me.

5 comments:

  1. LOVE this. You're such a phenomenal person and writer. Pretty thoughts are the best thoughts! <3

    P.S. I can't wait to see you tomorrow!!

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  2. You have an amazing way with words. And you are an amazing person. And I would like to see your face. I relate more to this post than you know.

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  3. I love this so much. Thanks lady! You're amazing!

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  4. I love this so much. Thanks lady! You're amazing!

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  5. Love this. Love YOU. Keep your head up ☺️ Can't wait to see my absolutely sensational friend tomorrow!

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